This is a picture of me looking at me when I was around 8 or 9 years old. I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks, pretty excited. Today and next week, I want to spend some time talking about who I am today, and how I got here. This was heavily inspired by a podcast I heard from Mark Driscoll. I will give a summary in this post, and then dive into the details with the following posts.
BC
Me before Christ. Like many, I went through many stages in life, and still growing. When I became a Christian at age 19, I used to think I was special because I no longer did drugs, slept around, and all that crap. And there was plenty of Christians who came out of nowhere (I mean did not know they existed) to celebrate my testimony. It was kind of a high that went straight to my head. One of the biggest lessons I learned after years of growing is that Christ cares more about my heart than my sobriety. Sobriety is a byproduct of salvation, not the conclusion of the salvation. God cares deeply about the heart.
That being said, I am still learning today what that means. Before I was a Christian, I tried everything, but it was my extreme desire to prove to my dad that I would be successful. Being a depressed kid, my unsuccessful moments crashed down like a stone wall. For fear of failure, ignorance was a safe place. Many who knew me, saw me as a confident, strong, successful person, but it was all a front. I desperately needed to be successful because I desperately needed to prove to everyone I was not a failure, and be accepted. Many of us struggle or have struggled with these same fears.
As life is life, all my fears and disappointments turned into an intense hatred for myself, and realizing what I was not capable of. Much of this was also caused by a severe disconnect with my father. I love my dad, and we get along better than ever, I will talk about that transition another day. With all this being said, I turned to something to ease the pain; drugs, marijuana mostly.
By the time I was in high school, I was just a bitter kid who hated my dad, was extremely needy, was a boyish pervert, had no direction, and an addiction to self medicating. That is who I was. Some remember me as angry, a bad ass, etc. but it was all a desperate attempt to be something I was not.
This is not some, I was soooo bad story, I milked that cow enough after my conversion. I was like most people: needy, false confidence, prideful, fake, disparate, selfish, greedy, blaming, lack of responsibility, etc.
Was I a total lost cause. Oc course not, and no one is. I had lots of friends, I have always had great work ethic, creative, and passionate, funny, and banjo skills 
.
If you think about it, this is where many are, trying to balance a life of self expectations and outside expectations with a carefully crafted box around all the crap that fills our hearts. Granted the crap may have been caused by someone’s else’s infliction, or it can be self provided crap, but the truth is, it’s all crap.
I understand that atheist can not grasp what I am about to say, God has carefully crafted every interaction, experience, and circumstance for His greater purpose, and all of us have a role in that greater purpose.
So if everyone is running around trying to fill voids with purposes only Christ can fulfill, then what, accept His purpose. So I did, and accepted that Christ died on the cross for my sins, and rose from the grave to concur sin so I to can concur sin through his blood as a sacrifice to the father, and spend eternity in heaven with Christ.
AC
But it does not stop there. Back to that purpose. At this point, I was a Needy, false confident, prideful, fake, disparate, selfish, greedy, blaming, lack of responsibility young man with great work ethic, creative and passionate, funny, and I had banjo skills who then had purpose in life, and was accepted by the Father.
NOW
I realize that everything I am today is because of Christ. Apart from Him, I would still be desperately searching for something, while trying to mask what lied beneath the surface. I am by no means perfect, but surrendered. I have real confidence in who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing. The lessons that have brought me to this point are uncountable. Everyday is a new adventure, and brings growth. There are some significant experiences that have directly lead to my growth. Over the next few post, thats what I am going to talk about.
Next Post: From Atheist (agnostic) to Conservative Christian. All in one second and one decision.
