INSECURE: subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured
CONFIDENT: Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.
PRIDE: a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity,importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
I am not an expert on wordsmithing, but I think there is a clear distinction between these words. One of the important elements I can see when looking back is this distinction. Of course these characteristics are ever evolving and changing in me, but where I live on the scale is what matters.
I have always been a confident person, I may have been seen sometimes as prideful, but mostly confident. What is important to understand is where my confidence was built. If confidence is not built on something sustainable, then the confidence will quickly slide into insecurity or pride. Let me explain.
As stated in the previous post, I deeply wanted to be accepted. Now this is not uncommon, part of life for many. I also was trying so hard to be excepting of my fathers affection and support. That being said, with each venture of acceptance, I stormed out with confident strategies to win the hearts of others. Just as powerful as the elements that generate the storm, also the power of the destruction that intrenches the heart after the storm. And as always, miss guided passion and confidence creates a harder surface between the world and the heart of a person.
From early childhood to many years after my salvation, this process continued to develop a hatred deep inside myself that could not be identified or reversed. The only relief was medicating through boyish perversion, drugs, and art.
Unfortunately, this is where many people live for the rest of their life. Their medication is through many forms: religion, sex, perversion, relationships, marriage, success, money, spirituality, hatred, and worst of all suicide.
So what happened to me? Can I honestly say that I have no pride or insecurity? NOOOO. I think it would be prideful to say I have no pride or insecurity. When I was insecure, I would have told you that I was secure in who I was, but it was my insecurity trying to make you believe I had it all figured out. I know, kind of a mouthful, but true.
Back to the question, what happened to me? Well, it was not when I became a Christian that all this was worked out. I did not believe in Christ and then be a perfectly balanced confident person, but I had a new foundation in which my confidence rested. I had a place to focus passion and energy, and I was accepted.
Now, to begin, when I first became a Christian, I told my story. Considering I was the high school atheist, druggy, bitter kid, it was made into a big deal. Salvation is a big deal because of Jesus, not because of the sin, and therefor should be celebrated when anyone receives Christ. I know this now, but at that time in my life, it was nice to be praised. I felt accepted, and it felt great. At this time, I had critical spiritual influence, and through my pride in my own life change, I began to elevate myself above those around me. Before my salvation, I had a pride in my ability to articulate my disbelief in God, then after my salvation, I had pride in my testimony.
There are several events and realizations that led to me being a balanced confident person. I would like to spend some time on these events, so tomorrow I will continue with, me looking at me – confidence.
