We left off, “Before my salvation, I had a pride in my ability to articulate my disbelief in God, then after my salvation, I had pride in my testimony.”
Now looking back, it is really interesting being able to articulate what was going on. Before my salvation, I had confidence in being accepted by people. Which I did on many levels, but it left me unfulfilled as well constructed a bigger house on a unsustainable foundation. This leads to disaster.
After I became a Christian, my confidence was built on the result of my testimony, and not the ingredient of my testimony. After a few months, that confidence dripped into pride. I should have this conversation with my parents, because I am sure they could see it. I did not go around mocking people or outwardly confessing my greatness, but in my heart, I started to take refuge in ‘my’ ability to be a strong Christian. Notice how wrong that sentence is.
Then the humbling came… and crushing pride led to insecurity in my faith. I had a time in which I thought God could not use me, that I was prideful, sinful, and a failure. Does this sound familiar? At this point, I was elevated and so I forced myself into seclusion, and life brought an environment in which I could do just that. For several years, I found myself in the same place, in an endless cycle of pride, insecurity, and failure. Even as a Christian. I over compensated by shallow spirituality while becoming prideful, then tucked away with dullness and doubt when faced with insecurity.
Ok, Ok, what’s funny is this was all in my heart, and seeped out every once in a while. If you were around me, you would have thought I was the most secure confident person, again with the mask of trying to appear perfect in everyone’s eyes. Seems to be a problem with the church, telling everyone God saved them from their imperfection, but living in a bubble believing they are perfect and they do nothing wrong. This is religion and hypocrisy.
Articulating this behavior is simply boyish and immature. I think we have the tendency to over analyze our conditions to make them more complicated then they are. This way we can blame the circumstances around us. I have more comfort in saying I was a neglected young man in search of his father’s love then saying I was boyish and immature, and unwilling to accept responsibility for who I was. Sure I had some troubling teenage years, and I do believe I have a melancholy chemical makeup, but I also found more comfort in misery than accepting responsibility.
So what happened? I know I have been saying that for some time now. It all started one day when I was walking up some stairs in a new house, and a man said, “you know you can still leave!” Then laughed very creepily. Then I found myself for two years ripping apart everything inside of me, tarring myself down mentally, spiritually, and emotionally to the point of destitute. Peeling away each hardened layer one at a time, like slowly removing a scab from an old soar.
I will share this experience tomorrow, it was a life changer.
