I also want to say, I am deeply sorry for my grammar and writing skills. I go back and read what I posted at the end of the day, and it is just comical sometimes. Maybe If I continue to develop readers, I can get someone to start editing my post . That would be nice.

Don’t forget to comment. I don’t think my story is better or severely unique. Many of us have faced tough choices, hard times, and trials. If you have something to add, do not hesitate to comment.

Stay tuned for my next post, starting on Friday: Me looking at me – Father and Son. I want to take a day and really articulate the story, maybe catch some mistakes before I hit the launch button . After Friday’s post, I will pick on Monday to finish the series.

Thanks.

O yeah. Elizabeth is cool, Elizabeth is fun, Elizabeth is sexy, Elizabeth is smart. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth….

The good stuff. Life changing.

I found myself as a mentor in a drug rehabilitation house, also known as the half way house. I lived in the house with 4 – 7 guys struggling with life dominated issues. My past experience in substance abuse and passion to help people provided the opportunity for me to be there. It is important to note my life at that point. Many other elements that all intertwine.

I was moving out of my parents house, and I was dealing with some of the issues discussed in the last two post. The worst was being told I was just a follower, and I could not think for myself. I also had a great friend making atrocious accusations against me at the time. I also was dealing with a supervisor who tallied every little mistake (micromanager) and sent me monthly emails listing these mistakes. Since I was a hard worker and desired praise, this was not easy.

I lived in a house with 5-6 addicts. If you have ever worked with people with an addictive personality, one of the key characteristics is manipulation.  Me being a young immature man dealing with my own issues, I became the primary target.

Let me explain my day. I would go to work and be updated on my monthly mistakes. I was accused from my recent friend for using him for food and being lost. I was working through my emotions towards my father. O yeah, and I was being challenged, manipulated, emotionally tested, by 5-6 addicts everyday when I went home.

Looking back, I am surprised I did not do something really stupid, like start using again, or hurt myself. I also was involved in counseling sessions. Though I presented myself as a counselor in training, I really was a young man who was immature, filled with boyish perversion, bitter, prideful, angry, depressed, confused, etc. It was exactly what I needed.

I am not sure how healthy men develop balanced confidence, but for me, it happened right here. I was constantly challenged by everyone around me. I was on a quest to find out the deepest level of my soul my intellect could grasp, and was determined to understand who I was, and why I did the things I did.  It is important to understand my foundation was on Christ. I was finally accepted and had purpose in life. This is the first step in developing true confidence. If you have confidence in money, then your confidence will fade when the money is gone. If you have confidence in your looks, then you confidence will wither away with age.  You see, the only way to build an appropriate and sustaining confidence is on a foundation that is accepting, and forever present.

In these circumstances, what I was forced to do on a daily, sometime hourly basis was stand for what was right, regardless of how uncomfortable or dangerous the outcomes. This took some time to figure out. Addicts are very manipulating. They start like they are your best friend, and help you do anything. After they feel you are connected, they start slowly pushing boundaries. Addicts also use their circumstances as reasoning for tolerance. They suck you in with what ever stories you need to feel sorry for them. When you feel sorry for an addict, you will be more tolerant.

Me being a young man who desired acceptance and affirmation was sucked in. Many relationships climaxed in the house until I realized what was happening. At this time, the organization I was in was going through a transition period, the were not very organized, and I was left to learn much of this on my own. Unfortunately, I had developed some close relationships with some of these guys. It is also important to state, this was not everyone in the house. I have made some awesome lifetime friends through this establishment, but the majority were exactly what I described.

For several months on a daily basis, I was faced with a crisis of conscious. I was forced to stand confident in the climax of confrontation. With spiritual, emotional, and relational manipulation in the mix, it was extremely difficult to stand confident in what was right.

Through these experiences, I learned extremely valuable lessons. First, I new my confidence was not founded on me, but God, and He promised to protect me. This allowed my confidence to strengthen when faced with EXTREMELY confrontational circumstances. I know people who absolutely hate confrontation. They will do whatever it takes to avoid. People loose sleep at night, stop eating, or over eat, just because they have to deal with confrontation. Imagine living in this environment for over a year. IT was like going to the school of confrontation and building confidence. As I am describing this, I think it is interesting how connected confidence, and the ability to face confrontation are. Never thought about it before.

I have read some great books about the call to manhood. If you have not noticed we have a society filled with boys and few men. A booked described the calling of a tribal boy who was clinched to his mothers leg glaring out the threshold of his house as his father and tribesmen called for him to take part in his first call to manhood. The boy new what happened on these adventures, some boys came back proud and glorious, but some did not come back. Those that did were covered in the blood of fearless victory. They left a boy and came back a man. The mother did not push or hold on to the boy, for it was only a choice the boy could make. It was his decision to step out of his mothers safety to start a journey of labor, risk of death, months in the cold or heat, accept responsibility, and provide for his tribe and future family. You see, if the boy could not complete this calling, he was not worthy of the hunt, he was not worthy of responsibility, he was not worthy to lead a family.

This one step, many never take. Many men are simply boys still living in the safety of their mothers house. I am led to believe one can not transition into manhood without pain, disappointment, risk, trials, fear, and hardship. But one of the most victorious steps a boy will ever take is the step towards being a man.

I remember asking my parents if they would let me live at home for another year if I went to college. They said no, I hated them for it then, but love them for it now. I remember walking up the stairs in the rehabilitation house when a man said, “you can turn around now.” I am so glad I did not turn around. I could have avoided my conditions at work, but I stood up for myself and forced a change or was prepared to find something new. When a addict was in my face screaming at me, “You ruined my family.” I am glad I stood in confidence informing him that his actions ruined his family, all I did was report his actions.

Life was extremely hard at that time, and I honestly do not know what keep me from running, but looking back, it was God’s plan, and he gave me the strength to do what was right, and learn how to become a man, and not only did He throw me in all this, He jumped with me.

There are many other things that contributed to my growth, but I wanted to go into details about the experiences above. Some other elements also heavily influenced me.

• Layman’s counseling classes
• My relationship with my father
• Understanding of my chemical makeup
• Continual growth in my Faith
• Observing those around me
• And of course my awesome Marriage
• Friends and Mentors

I will start talking about my father and our relationship, me looking at me. It is such an important part of my life, and every persons life, even women. The father is so vital to the family unit, and our society has destroyed that role. So I want to go into some great detail. Stay tuned.

We left off, “Before my salvation, I had a pride in my ability to articulate my disbelief in God, then after my salvation, I had pride in my testimony.”

Now looking back, it is really interesting being able to articulate what was going on.  Before my salvation, I had confidence in being accepted by people.  Which I did on many levels, but it left me unfulfilled as well constructed a bigger house on a unsustainable foundation. This leads to disaster.

After I became a Christian, my confidence was built on the result of my testimony, and not the ingredient of my testimony. After a few months, that confidence dripped into pride.  I should have this conversation with my parents, because I am sure they could see it.  I did not go around mocking people or outwardly confessing my greatness, but in my heart, I started to take refuge in ‘my’ ability to be a strong Christian. Notice how wrong that sentence is.

Then the humbling came… and crushing pride led to insecurity in my faith. I had a time in which I thought God could not use me, that I was prideful, sinful, and a failure.  Does this sound familiar? At this point, I was elevated and so I forced myself into seclusion, and life brought an environment in which I could do just that.  For several years, I found myself in the same place, in an endless cycle of pride, insecurity, and failure.  Even as a Christian.  I over compensated by shallow spirituality while becoming prideful, then tucked away with dullness and doubt when faced with insecurity.

Ok, Ok, what’s funny is this was all in my heart, and seeped out every once in a while.  If you were around me, you would have thought I was the most secure confident person, again with the mask of trying to appear perfect in everyone’s eyes.  Seems to be a problem with the church, telling everyone God saved them from their imperfection, but living in a bubble believing they are perfect and they do nothing wrong.  This is religion and hypocrisy.

Articulating this behavior is simply boyish and immature. I think we have the tendency to over analyze our conditions to make them more complicated then they are.  This way we can blame the circumstances around us. I have more comfort in saying I was a neglected young man in search of his father’s love then saying I was boyish and immature, and unwilling to accept responsibility for who I was. Sure I had some troubling teenage years, and I do believe I have a melancholy chemical makeup, but I also found more comfort in misery than accepting responsibility.

So what happened?  I know I have been saying that for some time now.  It all started one day when I was walking up some stairs in a new house, and a man said, “you know you can still leave!” Then laughed very creepily. Then I found myself for two years ripping apart everything inside of me, tarring myself down mentally, spiritually, and emotionally to the point of destitute. Peeling away each hardened layer one at a time, like slowly removing a scab from an old soar.

I will share this experience tomorrow, it was a life changer.

INSECURE: subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

CONFIDENT: Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.

PRIDE: a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity,importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

I am not an expert on wordsmithing, but I think there is a clear distinction between these words.  One of the important elements I can see when looking back is this distinction.  Of course these characteristics are ever evolving and changing in me, but where I live on the scale is what matters.

I have always been a confident person, I may have been seen sometimes as prideful, but mostly confident.  What is important to understand is where my confidence was built.  If confidence is not built on something sustainable, then the confidence will quickly slide into insecurity or pride.  Let me explain.

As stated in the previous post, I deeply wanted to be accepted.  Now this is not uncommon, part of life for many.  I also was trying so hard to be excepting of my fathers affection and support.  That being said, with each venture of acceptance, I stormed out with confident strategies to win the hearts of others.  Just as powerful as the elements that generate the storm, also the power of the destruction that intrenches the heart after the storm.  And as always, miss guided passion and confidence creates a harder surface between the world and the heart of a person.

From early childhood to many years after my salvation, this process continued to develop a hatred deep inside myself that could not be identified or reversed. The only relief was medicating through boyish perversion, drugs, and art.

Unfortunately, this is where many people live for the rest of their life.  Their medication is through many forms: religion, sex, perversion, relationships, marriage, success, money, spirituality, hatred, and worst of all suicide.

So what happened to me? Can I honestly say that I have no pride or insecurity?  NOOOO.  I think it would be prideful to say I have no pride or insecurity.  When I was insecure, I would have told you that I was secure in who I was, but it was my insecurity trying to make you believe I had it all figured out. I know, kind of a mouthful, but true.

Back to the question, what happened to me?  Well, it was not when I became a Christian that all this was worked out.  I did not believe in Christ and then be a perfectly balanced confident person, but I had a new foundation in which my confidence rested. I had a place to focus passion and energy, and I was accepted.

Now, to begin, when I first became a Christian, I told my story.  Considering I was the high school atheist, druggy, bitter kid, it was made into a big deal.  Salvation is a big deal because of Jesus, not because of the sin, and therefor should be celebrated when anyone receives Christ.  I know this now, but at that time in my life, it was nice to be praised.  I felt accepted, and it felt great.  At this time, I had critical spiritual influence, and through my pride in my own life change, I began to elevate myself above those around me. Before my salvation, I had a pride in my ability to articulate my disbelief in God, then after my salvation, I had pride in my testimony.

There are several events and realizations that led to me being a balanced confident person. I would like to spend some time on these events, so tomorrow I will continue with, me looking at me – confidence.

This is a picture of me looking at me when I was around 8 or 9 years old.  I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks, pretty excited. Today and next week, I want to spend some time talking about who I am today, and how I got here.  This was heavily inspired by a podcast I heard from Mark Driscoll.  I will give a summary in this post, and then dive into the details with the following posts.

BC

Me before Christ.  Like many, I went through many stages in life, and still growing.  When I became a Christian at age 19, I used to think I was special because I no longer did drugs, slept around, and all that crap.  And there was plenty of Christians who came out of nowhere (I mean did not know they existed) to celebrate my testimony.  It was kind of a high that went straight to my head.  One of the biggest lessons I learned after years of growing is that Christ cares more about my heart than my sobriety.  Sobriety is a byproduct of salvation, not the conclusion of the salvation.  God cares deeply about the heart.

That being said, I am still learning today what that means.  Before I was a Christian, I tried everything, but it was my extreme desire to prove to my dad that I would be successful.  Being a depressed kid, my unsuccessful moments crashed down  like a stone wall.  For fear of failure, ignorance was a safe place.  Many who knew me, saw me as a confident, strong, successful person, but it was all a front.  I desperately needed to be successful because I desperately needed to prove to everyone I was not a failure, and be accepted.  Many of us struggle or have struggled with these same fears.

As life is life, all my fears and disappointments turned into an intense hatred for myself, and realizing what I was not capable of.  Much of this was also caused by a severe disconnect with my father.  I love my dad, and we get along better than ever, I will talk about that transition another day.  With all this being said, I turned to something to ease the pain; drugs, marijuana mostly.

By the time I was in high school, I was just a bitter kid who hated my dad, was extremely needy, was a boyish pervert, had no direction, and an addiction to self medicating. That is who I was.  Some remember me as angry, a bad ass, etc. but it was all a desperate attempt to be something I was not.

This is not some, I was soooo bad story, I milked that cow enough after my conversion. I was like most people: needy, false confidence, prideful, fake, disparate, selfish, greedy, blaming, lack of responsibility, etc.

Was I a total lost cause.  Oc course not, and no one is.  I had lots of friends, I have always had great work ethic, creative, and passionate, funny, and banjo skills .

If you think about it, this is where many are, trying to balance a life of self expectations and outside expectations with a carefully crafted box around all the crap that fills our hearts.  Granted the crap may have been caused by someone’s else’s infliction, or it can be self provided crap, but the truth is, it’s all crap.

I understand that atheist can not grasp what I am about to say, God has carefully crafted every interaction, experience, and circumstance for His greater purpose, and all of us have a role in that greater purpose.

So if everyone is running around trying to fill voids with purposes only Christ can fulfill, then what, accept His purpose.  So I did, and accepted that Christ died on the cross for my sins, and rose from the grave to concur sin so I to can concur sin through his blood as a sacrifice to the father, and spend eternity in heaven with Christ.

AC

But it does not stop there. Back to that purpose.  At this point, I was a Needy, false confident, prideful, fake, disparate, selfish, greedy, blaming, lack of responsibility young man with great work ethic, creative and passionate, funny, and I had banjo skills who then had purpose in life, and was accepted by the Father.

NOW

I realize that everything I am today is because of Christ.  Apart from Him, I would still be desperately searching for something, while trying to mask what lied beneath the surface.  I am by no means perfect, but surrendered.  I have real confidence in who I am, and what I am supposed to be doing.  The lessons that have brought me to this point are uncountable.  Everyday is a new adventure, and brings growth.  There are some significant experiences that have directly lead to my growth. Over the next few post, thats what I am going to talk about.

Next Post:  From Atheist (agnostic) to Conservative Christian.  All in one second and one decision.

This might be hard to make out, but it is a photo of my wife and I riding a ride in Animal Kingdom.  Of course as soon as you get off the ride, you can buy this picture.

This may be obvious, but it is very strategic.  In a theme park with millions of items for sale, what makes you buy.  Many times, you have already paid for the vacation and promised not to spend anymore money.

But when you can capture a personal moment in time, it becomes worth any price, like 20$ for a photo of you screaming down Expedition Everest.

It may be a boys first kiss from Snow White, a favorite character from a movie, or your favorite country in Epcot, Disney has mastered ways to provide the means to sell you a piece of who you are.  Kind of funny when you phrase it that way.

If you go to Disney to celebrate something, as mentioned before, you get hundreds of employees who wish you happy birthday, anniversary, or whatever the cause for celebration.  They also place items in your room to celebrate as well.

As you can see in the image, they also create playful ways to meet needs.  We needed a tooth brush holder.  Yes, in the happiest place on earth, there is a place for everything…  This took an extra few seconds, which does not seem like much, but if you multiply that by thousands of rooms everyday, the cost starts adding up.  This is exactly what most companies prevent to save money, but not Disney.  This is part of their purpose, and time becomes a factor, but not the determining factor.

These little details can be pointed out in great detail, you should go experience it for yourself.

If you notice the beginning of the parade, it is the shape of Mickey, and you will find millions of these around the park.  There are even books that help you find hidden Mickeys.

If you find yourself in the parks, you will find every event points to the purpose of Disney.  Mickey has become a global iconic symbol that represents far more than a mouse.  We all know this, but why.

The symbol has real value and the symbol strategically points to the purpose, which is always tastefully done.

This was the Not So Scary Halloween Parade, which was incredible. It is amazing someone so passionate about innovation ingrained this passion into a brand that markets to young children, but because of this, also appeals to just about everyone else in the world.

This was our Captain.  This boat transports us from one park to the other.  This could be a simple means of transportation, but it is another opportunity to support the purpose of Disney.   The Captain shared with us Disney trivia, and told about the ducks that love to join the ride.

When you travel on this boat, you get to see some of Disney’s nicest hotels where vacation club members stay.  Yes, of course it makes us want to be a Disney vacation club member one day.

When we go to Disney, we are always celebrating something, birthday’s anniversary, graduation, etc.  When you are celebrating something, they give you a button.  I know a button right, sounds lame.  But what is not lame is hundreds of Disney employees telling you happy birthday, if you like the attention of course.  Even those who are in charge of changing the trash cans tell you happy birthday, with great excitement.

I would imagine if you are not a happy person, working at Disney would make you miserable.  Miserable people like being miserable, so they hang out with miserable people.

This is the way every organization should be right?  Every employee should point to the purpose of the organization.  Every point of interaction should point to the purpose.

I would like to take some time and tell you about our vacation to Disney.  I know, everyone talks about Disney, but if you go and pay attention to the little details, it makes a vacation even better for a young entrepreneur!

The best part about the trip was going with this hot lady!  My wife.  We love to travel together, and hope to travel all over the world. Our next stop, New York, LA, and then London.  My Wife is a Disney fanatic!  She has been many many times.  Me, not so much.  My idea of a vacation is a cruise, a nice cabin with friends.  Don’t get me wrong, I love going to Disney world, but for me, it is a trip of exercise, endurance, and appreciation for excellence.  So that is what I would love to talk about, excellence.

This week, I am going to talk about

• The Purpose
• Everyone Supports the Purpose
• Every Event Supports the Purpose
• Playful Ways to Meet Needs – The Little Things
• Point of Purchase Interaction (my personal favorite)

It is all about the purpose,

It is all about the purpose of Disney, that purpose is magic, the ability for everyone to be part of dreams coming true. From the moment you walk into Disney Land’s, Magic Kingdom, you embrace the purpose of Disney.  Of course the large castle pulls you into the park, but also the loving embrace from hundreds of employees welcoming you to share the experience.

Every detail is strategically thought out, challenged, and constantly improved.  For children, the results are magic, for adults, actually being part of a team who implements such business excellence is unheard of, this would be magic in my mind. The image above takes thousands of employees working together for the purpose.  It would be easy to sit back after this show and rejoice in accomplishments, but not Disney, directly after this event, the street vacuum cleaners, and concession stand employees rushed out to prepare for another amazing show, The Not So Scary Halloween Parade.   This is all for one purpose, to allow people to be part of dreams coming true.

One of the best moments while we were in the park, A little girl saw a man with a long white beard and asked, “did you move to Disney from the North Pole?”

Everything points to the purpose, so what is your purpose, and is it ingrained in every little detail of your company?  Is every detail strategically thought out, challenged, and constantly improved?  Can and do others interact with your purpose?